


double agent

by thunderylee



Category: Kanjani8 (Band), NewS (Band)
Genre: Canon Universe, Clones, M/M, Psychological Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-22
Updated: 2009-11-22
Packaged: 2019-01-31 05:28:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12675333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Ryo’s personality finally splits. Into two separate people.





	double agent

**Author's Note:**

> reposted from agck.
> 
> 1\. “Jibun” is a way to refer to oneself in Japanese.  
> 2\. This is not an accurate portrayal of dissociative identity disorder. Obviously.

Another early morning, another fight with the coffee filters. Ryo swears that one of these days he’s going to split them up properly during a much later waking hour, but right now he just swears. Eventually he gets them apart, but not without crinkling them all and banging his elbow on the counter.

Let it never be said that the life of an idol is easy.

While his coffee percolates, he hops in the shower, purposely running the water cold to wake his ass up. It doesn’t work (it never does), and now he’s just tired _and_ cold as he finds some clothes that smell clean and plops down on his couch with a mug of steaming black coffee and a cigarette.

He nearly burns himself with both when he catches movement out of the corner of his eye and learns that he’s not alone. It’s not the actual presence of someone else that startles him; quite often one bandmate or another will invite himself to sleep over since Ryo’s apartment is in such a centralized location. He’s lost track of how many people have a copy of his key, but nothing has been stolen yet so clearly Ryo’s trust is warranted.

Technically the person at the other end of the couch has a key too, but the complexity of that thought is too much for his few coherent brain cells to process right now. “Um,” he mumbles, figuring that’s a good place to start. “Who are you?”

His own face turns to look at him, showing no sign of surprise or recognition. For a second Ryo thinks he’s imagining things, this empty shell of himself staring back at him with emotionless eyes. He’s wearing Ryo’s clothes with his hair styled Ryo’s way, rubbing his knuckles in the same anxious habit Ryo has and using Ryo’s voice to wish him good morning.

Ryo blinks. His twin is still there. He squeezes his eyes shut, counts to five, and opens them. Still there.

The other Ryo grins at him and Ryo instantly feels relaxed. Part of him hopes that the gesture is that effective when he does it. Then he starts to leave.

“Where are you going?” Ryo asks curiously. Weird or not, Ryo’s not quite ready to let go of this yet.

“Work,” his own voice tells him. “We’re learning a new song this morning, right?”

Ryo closes his mouth long enough to reply. “For Kanjani8, right. But don’t I need to-”

He halts at the sight of his own head shaking at him. Before Ryo can argue, the other has grabbed his bag and headed out the door, but not before calling, “Be back later!”

Ryo is secretly proud that his clone has his sarcastic sense of humor. He replies with “hurry back!” as he curls up on the couch, mails Yoko with a vague “I don’t feel well” just in case he really is hallucinating and there isn’t a spitting image of him heading towards the studio in his place, and finally gives in to the daily temptation to go back to sleep.

Regardless of any doppelgangers, Ryo is clearly in no shape to work today.

::

It’s well into the afternoon by the time he wakes up, feeling energetic and rested for the first time in a long while. He cleans up a little, does some laundry, and cooks an actual meal instead of ordering take out, all while humming his melody to the new single.

The melody he hasn’t learned yet.

Luckily his fingers aren’t under the chopping knife as he drops it, the shock settling in. Then there’s a prickling on the back of his neck and he spins around, sees his other self standing in the doorway, and automatically wields the knife as a weapon. “What the fuck is going on?” he demands.

His clone holds up his hands and slowly steps forward, not one crease of worry along his brow. _If you kill me, you kill you._

The other’s mouth isn’t moving, only a voice in Ryo’s head, and the knife clatters as it falls into the sink. An uncontrollable shake takes over his whole body as his mind, now wide awake, considers all of the possibilities. “Are you my evil side or something?”

The other Ryo just grins at him with absolutely no malice.

It’s getting difficult to remain standing and Ryo starts to slump to the floor, but then his wrist is seized and he’s filled with the strangest sensation, something like a transfer of energy.

He looks up into his own eyes, bright and happy like this is completely normal. “I don’t understand,” he chokes out, feeling more vulnerable than he’s ever allowed himself to feel before. “Was I really at rehearsal this morning?”

In response, Ryo’s clone pulls out his cell phone and dials someone on speaker. Yoko’s voice answers, a little worried-sounding. “Dokkun? Is everything okay?”

Just when a sense of righteousness starts to seep in, Yoko goes on. “Did you forget something when you left this morning? You shouldn’t come to work when you don’t feel well, you know.”

The phone is waved in Ryo’s face and he reluctantly holds it to his mouth. “Everything’s fine, I just forgot what time I’m recording my part tomorrow.”

_Eight-thirty_ , Ryo’s brain clicks, just before Yoko answers, “Eight-thirty. You and Subaru are recording together, then you’ll add the backup tracks later in the afternoon.”

“Thanks,” Ryo mutters, quickly ending the call before Yoko can get suspicious. His phone slips from between his fingers and lands on the hard linoleum floor, but he could really give a shit as the reality of this insanity comes crashing down on him.

He peers at his living reflection, testing the waters by reaching for his throat and pressing two fingers against the pulse point. There’s a heartbeat, a strong one, one that matches Ryo’s own even as it quickens at the thrill of this unknown. His hand continues up the smooth skin of the other’s face, feeling for himself his own life that has split into two separate beings right before his eyes.

Not _completely_ separate, he amends as the other Ryo tilts his head into the touch and meets his eyes. It’s not like being with another person at all; there’s none of the awkwardness or uncertainty. Ryo doesn’t need to know what his clone is thinking because he already knows, hearing the answers in his head before he even forms the question, just like memorizing the melody of a song he’s never sung before.

Standing in his kitchen, touching his own face and feeling none of it, Ryo is filled with questions that he doesn’t think _anyone_ can answer.

He’s a little ashamed when he shudders at the way the other Ryo turns to press his lips to Ryo’s hand, but then it occurs to him that it’s not gay if it’s with _himself_.

His own face continues to beam at him, comforting and terrifying at the same time, looking like he has no care in the world and nothing is out of the ordinary.

Ryo’s mind races even more at that, because clearly his clone has personality traits that he himself does not. He doesn’t think he could ever just accept something as strange as this without _some_ kind of explanation, anything that actually makes sense to grasp onto while the entire world turns upside down around him.

“You’re quiet,” he observes out loud, and as soon as the words are out of his mouth, he knows why.

He shouldn’t be surprised at the feel of his own lips on his, although Ryo doesn’t remember ever kissing any of his Kansai bandmates when they looked scared and confused.

But maybe he’s wanted to.

::

Tegoshi’s grown-up face is more disconcerting than comforting, but Ryo lets him in anyway. “You didn’t have to come all the way over here,” he mumbles embarrassedly, still wondering how he’s going to explain this, even to a psychology major.

“You didn’t sound right on the phone,” says Tegoshi, slowly like he’s choosing his words carefully. He slips off his shoes and tilts his head at Ryo. “Aren’t you supposed to be working with Eito right now?”

“Yeah, and later I’m meeting my manager about a winter drama,” Ryo tells him, taking a seat on the couch where all of this started. “We have that brainstorm session for the new album tomorrow, don’t we?”

Tegoshi nods as he sits down next to Ryo. “If it’s too much, maybe you shouldn’t take the part.”

“Have you ever heard of split personality disorder in corporeal form?” Ryo blurts out, staring firmly at the carpet between his feet.

He doesn’t get an answer right away, and when he does it’s in the form of a concerned hand on his shoulder. “It finally happened, huh?”

Ryo’s head snaps up, his eyes meeting Tegoshi’s. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t believe it took this long,” Tegoshi gapes in amazement. “It’s been what, two years?”

Ryo blinks. “What do you know?”

“You _snapped_ ,” Tegoshi says simply. “You finally pulled so far away from yourself that you just… broke apart completely.”

“I don’t understand,” Ryo whispers, feeling weaker with each gasping breath. “All I know is that – that _thing_ is _me_ , but only how I act when I’m with Eito.”

“It actually makes sense,” Tegoshi replies, folding his arms as he leans back thoughtfully. “You’re not as influential in Eito, leading that part of you to be more agreeable and quiet than the opinionated back leader of NewS.”

Ryo narrows his eyes, instantly defensive. “There’s no comparison between the two groups at all. I don’t prefer one over the other-”

“I know that,” Tegoshi interrupts. “I’m not saying there is, calm down. You just have to be in charge more with us, leading you to have a completely different mindset than just following directions with them.”

It’s too much information to process, especially since it _is_ making sense. “Opposites,” he thinks out loud.

“I have to say, though,” Tegoshi goes on. “You’re much more irritable right now than usual. The two extremes clearly balanced each other out when they were together.”

Ryo swallows hard, suppressing the urge to react negatively. “So what do I do?”

“That I don’t know,” Tegoshi says sadly. “I wish I did. I don’t like it when you’re mean.”

The last of Ryo’s resolve crumbles at those words, his nerves completely shot. He feels like he wants to scream forever. Now that he knows what it is, he’s definitely noticing the nice part of him missing and wonders why he got the shit end of the deal here. Certainly there aren’t side effects to being quiet and agreeable; it’s just his luck that his clone would be better off than he is.

He becomes very aware at exactly how much Tegoshi has grown as he fits perfectly in the younger man’s arms, pulled into a tight hug that seems to give him the strength to finally relax.

It’s not until he looks up that he realizes his comfort isn’t from Tegoshi at all. His smiling replica is standing behind the couch, staring down at the pair of them with doting eyes. “Tegoshi, he’s here.”

“Who’s here?” Tegoshi asks, lifting his eyes and looking around.

“The other me,” Ryo tells him, leaning back enough to point. “Right there.”

Tegoshi follows Ryo’s finger, his eyes widening when they land on the third person in the room. He immediately looks back at Ryo, his shocked expression completely showing his guilt; Ryo has a strong feeling that Tegoshi didn’t believe a word he was saying until right now.

“Ryo…” he draws out, then takes a breath. “Do you… can he hear us?”

Ryo nods. “He’s just like me, only… nice.”

The laugh that tears from Tegoshi looks like it surprises him as much as it surprises Ryo. “You’re nice in NewS, too, you know.”

“Just to you,” Ryo mumbles sheepishly, leaning his forehead against Tegoshi’s shoulder in an attempt to gather himself. He feels his other half coming closer, noticing the cushion dip when he sits down. “He’s behind you.”

“That’s okay,” Tegoshi tells him, hugging Ryo even tighter. “I’m not scared of him.”

Ryo’s not either. If anything he feels _better_ as his clone clutches his arms with both hands, leading him to sigh audibly as Tegoshi is squished between them. The younger man doesn’t seem to mind at all, making a content noise that Ryo belatedly realizes is from his clone pressing his face into the back of Tegoshi’s neck. Upon closer scrutiny with his now-sharp vision, which may as well have been tinted green with jealousy, he can clearly see the other’s lips moving.

He wants to berate him, but he doesn’t know how to _address_ him. It seems stupid to call out his own name, especially in chastisement, and all he can think of to say is “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Tegoshi says again, his breath a little quicker than before. “Maybe… maybe you need this.”

No sooner than Ryo nods, Tegoshi turns his head just enough to brush their lips together. It’s not at all like kissing himself and Ryo’s mind starts spinning at Tegoshi’s raw passion, the way he easily shifts from friend to lover. It’s even easier for Tegoshi to lay him down, gently pushing his back to the couch cushions and covering his body, and Ryo’s eyes flutter open long enough to see his clone following them, his arms slipping around Tegoshi’s waist to dip between his legs and make him moan into Ryo’s mouth as they rock together.

Right now he feels whole again.

::

“Jibun,” he tests out, and feels even lamer than before.

Maybe he should call Shige. Having a clone is just like having an imaginary cat, only he’s pretty sure Shige’s entire personality is intact.

Instead he just stares at the mirror image of himself, who is whistling while dusting the blinds. In the past couple days since ‘Jibun’ has mysteriously appeared, they’ve naturally fallen into their roles. If Jibun is going to be the happy one, Ryo figures bitterly, then the least he can do is do the chores.

Even with as much as Ryo’s been sleeping, he seems to be getting tired more easily than before. He hypothesizes that his energy was split between the two bodies as well, and Jibun must just not use any of his. It _does_ take more effort to frown than smile, but lately he feels like he has to push himself to actually lift the corners of his mouth.

He doesn’t like this, not at all. Everyone jokes about wanting a clone to go to work for them so that they can stay at home and be lazy, but he supposes that’s one of those things that only looks appealing on the surface. Like being an idol in the first place.

Above all else, Ryo loves music. He loves singing and playing the guitar and writing lyrics, and he loves doing all of these things with other people – his bandmates, his friends. He’s in two groups because he wants to be, because he can do what he loves _twice_ as much with two completely different groups of people.

He can be wild and outrageous with Kanjani8 while serious and sexy with NewS. He can faithfully follow his older Kansai bandmates and build compromises with his Tokyo ones. He can laugh and have fun with both groups in completely different ways, and up until recently he fully believed that he was the same Nishikido Ryo with all of them, the one who can dazzle with his smile when he wants to and lay out the cold, hard truth when it’s needed, even both at the same time.

Looking at Jibun now, doing what he’s told without question, Ryo wonders if his other half isn’t suffering silently. He never feels like a pushover with Kanjani8, but he still has his backbone even if he doesn’t need to show it.

He sighs and leans back on the couch, thinking about his lyrics for the next NewS album. They’d decided to continue on the Share road and write most of the songs themselves, which sounded great in theory but has been nearly impossible to execute. They are all just so _different_ that it’s hard to find a common ground, even in Japanese pop music where the main topics are usually love, flowers, and dreams. They still have a _feeling_ behind them.

When he opens his eyes, his own face is staring back at him and he almost screams. “Don’t do that!”

Jibun just grins, then Ryo gets an idea that has him sitting straight up and widening his eyes at the realization that was put in his head. “Are you saying that we should write _about_ each other?”

It makes so much sense that Ryo can’t believe he didn’t think of it before, even though he technically did. With as different as the six active members are, they still have one big thing in common – each other. If they could write lyrics together that have a theme like that of a particular member, that would be six songs right there.

He calls Yamapi. “It wouldn’t have to _actually_ be about us,” he explains, feeling excited for the first time in days. “The peace of the calming sea for you, for example. Something mothering for Koyama. Magic for Tegoshi. Things like that, just written by all of us together to include everyone’s perspective.”

“Hmm,” Yamapi replies, taking his time to think. “That just might work, Ryo-chan. Only I want my song to be about a lazy cat.”

Ryo bites his lip. “We’ll see.”

“Was there anything else?” Yamapi asks distractedly, presumably thinking about being small and furry, lying in the sun on his back.

“Actually…” Ryo begins, then takes a breath. “What would you do if you had a clone?”

To anyone else, this question may have seemed odd, but Yamapi just laughs like it’s perfectly valid. “I would kiss him.”

“What?” Ryo replies automatically, more bewildered than usual when dealing with Yamapi.

“People tell me I’m a good kisser,” Yamapi explains. “I’d like to find out for myself.”

“And that’s it?” Ryo nearly exclaims. “You wouldn’t have him go to work for you or do your chores for you or even do something insane like let him lead your entire life so that you can go travel around the world?”

“Not at all,” Yamapi answers seriously. “Him doing all of those things for me would mean that I wouldn’t get to experience them myself, right? This life is too exciting to just throw away like that. Even if it means that I don’t get to rest as much, I want to see it all with my own eyes. I don’t want to miss a thing.”

Ryo thinks about those strong words from his leader long after the conversation ends. He’d sent Jibun to his meetings because he is the more personable of the two, getting along well with his manager and the director of the new series Ryo will be starring in early next year. This time he won’t be playing anyone’s brother or boyfriend; it will actually be centered around him and his character’s drama.

And Ryo won’t be the one to act in it, at least if they’re still separated by then. From what Ryo has researched on the Internet, utilizing his newfound free time to understand what the hell is going on inside his head, it will take a long sequence of medication and therapy to fuse his two personalities back together. That requires going to a doctor and possibly losing his job if word was to leak.

Tegoshi’s nowhere near a doctor, but he’ll have to do. The youngest NewS member has a lot of ‘tests’ in place, mostly involving Ryo’s awareness of Jibun’s activities. He learns the songs, remembers the memories like they were his own, only he wasn’t physically there. He even discovered this morning that he can tell when Jibun eats because he was about to make some breakfast and suddenly wasn’t hungry anymore.

Now his clone is solving his NewS problems for him. That’s _Ryo’s_ turf, regardless of how ridiculous it is to get jealous over _himself_.

He wants his right mind back. _All_ of it.

He doesn’t want to miss a thing, either.

::

“What would you do if you had a clone?” Ryo asks casually.

“Sleep _forever_ ,” Ohkura answers, his mouth full and seeming uncaring to chewing in Ryo’s ear. “And probably kiss myself, just to see what it’s like.”

Ryo can’t even roll his eyes at the surprising popularity of that answer, considering that’s one of the first things he did. (And for the record, he’s a _damn_ good kisser.) “You wouldn’t care about missing out on exciting things your clone was doing instead of you?”

“Not really.” Ohkura swallows whatever he’s eating and speaks much clearer now. “I mean, I would still do the cool things like concerts and dates. I would just send my clone to do the boring shit like rehearsals and photoshoots. Reap the benefits without doing any of the work, you know?”

“Yeah,” Ryo replies slowly, thinking about it. “I miss you guys.”

He’s not aware that he actually said that out loud until Ohkura laughs. “How can you miss us? You’ve seen us every day this week. Just this morning I fell asleep on you and Murakami squirted me in the fucking nose with a water bottle.”

Ryo laughs, but the inside of his heart aches with sadness because he _wasn’t_ there and while he does remember the semantics of what happened, when he stops to think about it, he doesn’t know how it _felt_. He doesn’t recall the weight of Ohkura’s head on his shoulder or the amusement of Hina waking up their youngest active member in the same way one would punish a naughty pet.

“Are you okay, Ryo-chan?” Ohkura asks suddenly, his voice taking on a tone of concern.

“I don’t know anymore,” Ryo answers honestly, then covers with the most likely reason. “Maybe I’m just working too much.”

“But you’re so happy at rehearsals,” Ohkura pushes. “Subaru mentioned to me the other day that he hasn’t seen you smile that much since… you know.”

“You can say his name,” Ryo grumbles. “It’s not like he’s dead.”

“Since Uchi,” Ohkura finishes, then sighs. “Now you just sound pissed off.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryo says, and means it. “I’m just having a bad night, I guess.”

“Want some company?”

Ryo thinks about it, wonders if Ohkura would believe him, decides to take a chance. “Yeah, that would be good.”

His smiling, condescending face is looking down at him when he hangs up. “What?”

Jibun just stares, shakes his head a little, and Ryo narrows his eyes at the implication. “You don’t get to keep them all to yourself, you know. They were mine first.”

It’s probably the stupidest argument he’s ever had, made ten times worse by the fact that he’s having it with _himself_ , but right now he wants to wipe the happiness off of his own face because this imposter has no right to be taking away half of his life.

“Give it back!” he ends up demanding, hot tears of helpless hysteria streaming down his face while Jibun’s remains perfect. “Stop stealing my life!”

It feels good to get angry, to lash out, to do _something_ with all of his irritability and frustration that’s not being countered by his calm, easygoing side. He throws things and he yells, loudly without holding back, and all Jibun does is stare at him.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Ryo screams, stepping forward until he’s in Jibun’s face. “Fight back!”

Somewhere in the back of his mind he remembers one of the first things his clone said to him: _If you kill me, you kill you._ Red lights flash in his brain as he reaches for Jibun’s throat but he ignores them all, grabbing him by the neck and punching him in the face, watching as his flawless clone goes down right into the glass end table next to that damn couch.

A nasty cut forms on Jibun’s cheek, and Ryo’s hand automatically lifts to his own. He feels blood and gasps, confused, but then strong arms are wrestling him away from himself and pinning him to the floor.

“Ryo-chan, oh my god, are you okay?” Ohkura’s frantic voice asks, sounding far away. “Say something! Ryo!”

“There’s something wrong,” Ryo manages to get out, his breath coming so fast that he’s in danger of hyperventilating. “I can’t get him to _leave_.”

“Who?” Ohkura prods, not letting up from where he’s sitting on Ryo’s chest, most of his weight holding down Ryo’s arms. “Was there someone here?”

Ryo opens his mouth to answer, then closes it. He doesn’t _feel_ like Jibun is gone; there’s still a substantial part of him missing, but the pile of glass and metal to the left of the couch is empty. “You didn’t see him?”

Ohkura stares at him like he has two heads, the analogy oddly appropriate right now. “I didn’t see anyone but you. I could hear you yelling from the hallway.” He pauses. “Stay here, okay, I’ll go look.”

“Okay.” Ryo can do that, lay on the floor and not move. He doesn’t think he could move if he wanted to, what little energy he had completely drained by his eruption. The least Jibun could do is show himself and share some of his immortal strength, the bastard.

Ohkura returns a few minutes later, completely empty-handed. “There’s nobody here, Ryo-chan. I checked everywhere. Unless he jumped out the window, you must have imagined seeing someone.”

“I guess,” Ryo says quietly, in no position to argue. Ohkura probably wouldn’t think to look under the bathroom sink – it’s where the real Ryo would hide. “I’m sorry for worrying you.”

Something wipes at his face, and Ryo lifts his eyes to see that Ohkura had swiped the first aid kit from his bathroom. “I called Uchi,” the younger man says carefully. “He’s on his way.”

“I can’t believe you bothered him,” Ryo snaps, narrowing his eyes into a glare. “He’s busy too, he doesn’t need to be burdened by me.”

“You’re not a _burden_ ,” Ohkura says firmly. “I don’t care if you’re happy or sad, healthy or sick – you’re still Ryo-chan and we still care about you.”

Those words just make Ryo even angrier because he doesn’t get to be the one to spend time with these people whom he adores. He adores NewS as well but he wants them _all_ , not just half. He wants to be able to feel for himself Ohkura’s whine in his shoulder and the water that drips down Ohkura’s face onto his shirt, dream up possible solutions to NewS’ lyric-writing block with one head instead of two.

Something inside him breaks and everything goes black, his body filled with a sense of peace that he hasn’t experienced this whole week. It’s comfortable and frightening at the same time; Ryo’s first thought is that he had some kind of aneurysm and left this world. The possibility makes him feel such a rush of rage that he could wake up from the force of it alone because he’s _not_ done yet, he didn’t make it this far just so his brain could explode on his living room carpet in Ohkura’s arms without saying goodbye to anyone.

Luckily, Ryo hears voices swimming in and out and rests assured that he’s still very much alive. It’s lucky for everyone else, not just him, because there would be some kind of hell raised if all he could do is _haunt_ people for eternity.

A pair of glossy lips presses against his and he peeks open one eye, sees Uchi lean back and smirk at him. “Just like Sleeping Beauty.”

Ryo tells himself it’s because of immobility that he doesn’t smack him. “Was I out for a long time?” he asks groggily.

“You were barely out at all,” Ohkura says from behind his head. “I wanted to let you sleep, but worrywart over here thought you might have a concussion.”

“You passed out mid-sentence,” Uchi tells him. “It was cute.”

Ryo makes a face. “When did you get here?”

“What are you talking about?” Uchi replies, sounding confused. “I’ve been here for two hours. We’ve talked at great lengths about Hina’s drama character, Subaru’s hair, and what you should make us for dinner.”

Ryo pauses, panic settling in. “And I was participating in this conversation?”

Uchi blinks. “Yeah, I mean, it was just like normal. You don’t remember it?”

“Not at all,” Ryo replies, more disappointed than confused. But his anxiety has actually subsided, and Ryo can feel the smile spread across his face as his strength pools together to lift him up on his elbows.

“I think I’m okay now,” he says confidently.

“Of course you are,” Uchi says haughtily. “I’m here.”

Ohkura punches him halfheartedly in the shoulder and Uchi pretends that it hurts.

Then Ryo sees Jibun lurking in the corner, stealing his smile once again.

::

The bumps on his ceiling are fascinating, playing an optical illusion on his eyes by making him think they’re moving around when they’re really not.

Such is the story of his life lately.

It’s a credit to how much Tegoshi has grown _mentally_ that he’s been sitting here this whole time without saying a word, not pushing Ryo to talk despite being perched on a desk chair with his laptop ready to take notes.

Ryo thinks that Tegoshi could make a fortune by _just sitting there_ and letting his patients come to their own conclusions by themselves. He feels a little better just knowing that Tegoshi doesn’t think he’s crazy, just a little torn. It gives him hope that someday this will end.

“I thought he was gone,” Ryo finally says, his vision turning out of focus as he remembers the embarrassing incident with Uchi and Ohkura. “I wanted to tell them, I just. Couldn’t find the words.”

“I’ll talk to them, if you want,” Tegoshi offers quietly, his voice making him more comfortable than his own couch. “Help them understand.”

It’s embarrassing to think about those guys knowing the truth, but even Ryo knows that it has to come out eventually. He shudders to think about what might have happened if Ohkura hadn’t stopped him from unintentionally hurting himself. He just nods once, dreading his next meeting with either group.

“ _You_ need to understand too,” Tegoshi breaks through his concentration, and Ryo’s eyes cut over to him. He’s never seen such a serious look on Tegoshi’s face, and just for a second he longs for the cute, baby-faced Tegoshi who conned everyone into buying him lunch and wasn’t explaining any life-altering mental disorders. “Is he here right now?”

Ryo shakes his head. “I haven’t seen him since that night. He just takes my place in Eito now.”

“Ryo,” Tegoshi says, his eyes expressing a pain that Ryo can’t quite comprehend. “He was never corporeal.”

The spots on his ceiling stop moving abruptly, along with his heart for a single beat. “What? But you saw him. Didn’t you see him? We… with him…”

“No, Ryo.” Tegoshi’s head moves from side to side, his bottom lip in his mouth like he’s holding back something much stronger. “You’re the only one who can see him.”

Ryo meets his eyes and feels like crying. In fact, the only reason he doesn’t is because Tegoshi looks like he’s going to first, and Ryo’s protective instinct kicks in. At least he got to keep that trait. “Tegoshi, what are you saying?”

“What are you doing when he’s with Eito?” Tegoshi asks carefully. “Aren’t you blacking out?”

“Staying home, sleeping…” Ryo replies slowly, trailing off as he realizes that it was all just a dream. “Oh.”

“From what I’m getting out of this,” Tegoshi begins, “your two personalities weren’t completely separated at first. You still knew what was going on when he was in charge of your body. Then your characteristics started to split, building up each personality as its own entity. When you blew up the other night, he broke off all the way.”

Ryo stares down at his hands. “So I’m not going to know anything about what he does now.”

A lone tear falls down Tegoshi’s face, and Ryo wants to beat whatever this is if only to keep Tegoshi from feeling this way again. “I’m sorry I lied to you,” Tegoshi blubbers. “I just went along with it because I wanted-”

“It’s okay,” Ryo tells him, feeling calmer than he should. “Come here.”

Just like years ago, Tegoshi crawls into Ryo’s lap and Ryo’s arms fold around him. Tegoshi’s entirely too big for this now but Ryo doesn’t care, he feels a million times better just holding him like Tegoshi is the one who needs comforting.

“Am I going to be okay?” Ryo asks quietly, speaking into Tegoshi’s hair while squeezing his eyes tight in hopes of keeping out the truth.

He feels Tegoshi’s nod as the younger man hugs him back. “I think as long as we can control it this way, him with Eito and you with NewS, it should be tolerable.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing we’re not doing a concert this year,” Ryo jokes, and Tegoshi laughs in somewhat of a hysterical way. “Thanks, Tego.”

“Anything for Ryo-tan,” Tegoshi replies, and the nickname alone reminds Ryo of better times.

He could think of worse things than being stuck with NewS forever.

::

Ryo wonders if this is how handicapped people feel. That constant look of pity, multiplied by four and made even worse by the awkward silence filled with everything that nobody knows how to say. Following Tegoshi’s announcement there were some questions, concerns for the future, discontent (mostly from Shige) when they were told that they have to take things day by day.

He’s kind of glad he wasn’t there when Tegoshi sat down with Kanjani8, having stayed home while Tegoshi broke the news. It would have probably been Jibun there, anyway; he seems to know when to make the switch. Having Jibun take over is becoming more and more tempting with each day that goes by where Ryo only exists for a few hours at a time. With NewS not doing anything right now, all of his time is spent with Kanjani8 promoting their new single.

Ryo has learned the song and dance anyway, just in case he happens to switch personalities in the middle of an appearance. Yamapi made it easy and just halted activities completely, using his pull to take on some solo work in order to get NewS an unofficial hiatus.

Even though he knows that Yamapi loves doing his own thing, Ryo can’t help but think that he’s letting down the group. It doesn’t make him feel any better to know that Tegoshi spends most of his free time researching, cryptically asking his professors for advice in an attempt to find anything that might help Ryo get better faster without the aid of prescription medicine.

Ryo’s given a phrase to say each time someone asks him, whether it be right when they meet or after some kind of odd behavior. The phrase is “poison tongue,” and Tegoshi won’t tell him what Jibun’s is. It’s to be able to tell two apart at any given time, in case for whatever reason Jibun decides to turn on him.

The thought of his own closed-off personality turning on him _terrifies_ Ryo. It keeps him awake at night, fighting sleep for fear that he will wake up as someone else, or not wake up at all. He documents it all in what he calls his ‘crazy journal’ and it takes two days for Tegoshi to move in, hold him tightly as he falls asleep, and promise him that if Jibun ever takes over, Tegoshi will do everything in his power to bring the real Ryo back out.

As it is, he doesn’t come out at all when Tegoshi is around. Tegoshi is NewS and NewS is Ryo, at least the Ryo that he controls himself, so Ryo’s apartment becomes another place that is solely dominated by one personality. Tegoshi has a graph: Kanjani8 and the drama set are Jibun, NewS and home are Ryo.

“I wonder,” Tegoshi mumbles to himself one morning, pouring over that particular graph along with his stack of notes while Ryo puts off getting ready. Leaving to go to work just means preparing for a switch, and while he doesn’t actually feel it happening, he still dreads the confusion that comes after he blinks and it’s several hours later.

It occurs to him after a few minutes that Tegoshi never finished talking, but those few minutes put him in the middle of a courtyard, next to a fountain whose ledge is littered with people eating lunch.

Those people include six guys he hasn’t seen in a very, very long time. All of whom are looking at him expectantly with various levels of frustration evident on their faces.

“Um,” says Ryo, looking down at a half a bento that he doesn’t remember eating. “Poison tongue.”

Yasu gasps, Ohkura looks impressed, and the rest of them grin in unison. “It worked!” Maruyama declares. “Tegoshi is a genius!”

“What worked?” Ryo asks, wincing as the loud cheering amplifies the pounding in his head. “What’s going on? Why am I here now?”

Subaru looks relieved. “Tegoshi-kun suggested that we keep asking your input on trivial things and maybe get into an argument with each other. He thought it would bring out your leader side.”

Ryo snorts. “It’s not like I break up fights in NewS.”

“Just an extreme,” Yoko corrects. “At any rate, it worked.”

The breath is nearly knocked out of Ryo as he’s tackled to the side, nearly landing in the fountain water as he’s squeezed to death by someone who could only be Hina. “I missed you _so much_ , Ryo-chan.”

“I don’t like your other personality,” Yasu says with a pout. “He doesn’t do anything other than what we tell him.”

“He’s not Dokkun,” Yoko amends, and the others nod.

“What’s he like?” Ryo asks, only a little curious. “Does he talk or anything?”

“Only when spoken to,” Maruyama answers sadly. “He’s really nice, though.”

“Yeah, really nice,” the others murmur.

Ohkura is oddly disinterested in the conversation. As they all pack up to return to the studio, Ryo hangs back with the youngest member. “What’s with you?”

“I didn’t tell anyone what I saw that night,” Ohkura answers quietly. “Not even you.”

“I don’t think I want to know,” Ryo tells him honestly. “It can’t have looked very good.”

“I want him gone,” Ohkura says firmly, lifting his eyes to meet Ryo’s wholeheartedly. “If it means I have to yell at you to get you to break out of your shell and stand up to me, so be it.”

Ryo stares at him, watching his face relax. “Tacchon?”

“It’s nice to be able to look you in the eye again,” Ohkura explains. “I won’t do it when it’s him. I don’t trust him.”

“But I’m the mean one,” Ryo protests. “He’s just me without the mean streak.”

Ohkura shakes his head. “You’re you without a peace of mind. He’s someone else who thinks he has a right to your body.”

A twist of guilt encompasses him, and this time Ryo knows he’s going to switch before he does. He hopes Ohkura noticed something and asked for the phrase, hopes he wasn’t too disappointed. Ryo yet again skips time to when he walks through his front door and sees Tegoshi hunched over his laptop, take-out containers on the table surrounding him.

“I got to see them today,” Ryo says in greeting. “I almost forgot what their faces look like.”

Tegoshi nearly knocks everything over to get to him, lead him to the couch and make him repeat second-by-second what he remembers. Ryo leaves out the first couple sentences of Ohkura’s, although he suspects that Tegoshi already knows about that anyway, but Ohkura’s last line is enough to have Tegoshi frowning.

“It’s progressed,” he says sadly. “He’s not even part of you anymore. He’s become his own person.”

Ryo doesn’t even bother covering his face; it’s certainly not the first time he’s shed tears in front of Tegoshi. “Make it stop.”

“I’m _trying_ ,” Tegoshi practically whines, and Ryo’s heart aches at exactly how true those words are. “You switching today was a big break-through, but I have to wonder if it was more of step backwards than forwards. Maybe it would be better to just keep your life split the way it is.”

“What?” Ryo explodes, seriously considering lunging across the couch and strangling Tegoshi. “How could you say that? I thought you were supposed to be helping me!”

“I _am_!” Tegoshi yells back. “Would you rather be constantly confused and possibly publicly embarrassed by switching at inopportune times? What if it happens in the middle of a dance sequence, Ryo? While you’re driving? During a goddamn sentence? Wouldn’t it be better to know when it’s going to happen depending on who you’re around?”

Ryo blinks. “I can’t decide whether to punch you or just throw you out.”

Huffing, Tegoshi points at his laptop. “I am working _around the clock_ to try and figure out how to fix you, despite the fact that I know damn well that _there’s no cure_. Even if you take medicine, there’s still a chance that he will be there. Forever. Yet I keep trying anyway, hoping for a miracle. So that you can be happy again.”

“I hate this,” Ryo mutters, flopping back on the couch because he’s tired in about every sense of the word. “I wouldn’t be happy as only half of myself either.”

His hand is lifted from the couch and held in both of Tegoshi’s. “Is that better or worse than sporadically being you without control?”

Ryo doesn’t answer. Tegoshi doesn’t press him for one, just pulls him up from the couch and leads him into the bedroom where he once again succumbs to unconsciousness in Tegoshi’s arms.

It’s more of an abrupt passing out than gradually falling asleep, and it’s not until Ryo wakes up much later with achy muscles and a substantial lack of clothes that he realizes it wasn’t sleep he was succumbed by.

And this time Jibun had taken something precious from him.

::

Tegoshi takes it harder than him. He’s not even fully awake when he realizes that it wasn’t Ryo whom he’d spent the night with, and Ryo actually believes that Tegoshi is going to slap him for a second when he confirms it.

“You should have asked me for the phrase,” Ryo says blankly, refusing to focus on what exactly they did last night. “You know I can’t control it.”

Tegoshi won’t look him in the eye. “I thought something was off with how it happened. I’m kind of glad that you don’t remember it.”

A part of Ryo wants to know, but Tegoshi looks upset enough at it is. “I didn’t force you, did I?”

“No,” Tegoshi replies, shaking his head. He inhales deeply. “It wouldn’t have been _you_ anyway.”

Ryo feels himself start to shake from the force of his anger and isn’t quite sure where it’s coming from. “I’m really mad all of the sudden,” he blurts out. “I don’t understand.”

“I’d be mad at me too,” Tegoshi admits guiltily. “I feel like I cheated on you.”

“But we’re not -” Ryo starts, then cuts himself off. “Are we?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to focus on that now,” Tegoshi says bluntly, his cheeks a little tinged. “It just has that feeling of cheating. I suppose I had to meet him eventually, but I kind of hoped I wouldn’t have to.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryo blurts out, his voice shaking. “I don’t know what else to say.”

Tegoshi heaves a sigh and fakes a smile. “I’m sorry too.”

It’s even more awkward the next time they go to work, because it’s time to write the song theme for Ryo and nobody really knows where to start.

“Maybe we should think of the Ryo before,” Massu suggests brightly. “Something like being challenged into doing your best?”

“That would be good,” Shige mumbles, and Ryo almost laughs at how quick he is to agree. “Tough love.”

“Ryo-chan hasn’t been like that lately, though,” Koyama says. “That’s probably why this is so hard.”

Ryo tries not to feel guilty again, knows what might happen if he does. Jibun seems to be taking over when he’s vulnerable; it’s up to Ryo to turn that kind of feeling around the only way he knows how.

By lashing out.

He can’t bring himself to yell at Koyama, even Shige. None of them are worth that kind of abuse, regardless of whether it’s only Ryo fighting his inner demons or not. It ends up being his love for NewS that keeps him from winning, and once again his head hurts when he blinks and finds Tegoshi in his face.

“Poison tongue,” he says quickly, and Tegoshi’s frantic expression disappears. “What happened?”

Tegoshi sits back on his heels, dumbfounded. “This makes absolutely no sense.”

In the background, Koyama’s jaw is hanging open, Shige looks like he’s just seen a ghost, and both Massu and Yamapi are frozen with some kind of shock. Ryo’s suddenly paranoid at whatever he just did – whatever _Jibun_ just did – and scrambles to apologize.

“He didn’t do anything,” Tegoshi tells him, grabbing him by both shoulders to make him stop. “He just sat there and looked at us blankly, like he didn’t know who we were.”

“I never want to see Ryo-chan that empty again,” Koyama mumbles in a sad voice, nervously playing with his hands.

Shige, Massu, and Yamapi all nod.

“But,” Tegoshi goes on, calling back Ryo’s attention, “all I did was yell in his face to give you back, and… he did.”

Ryo thinks about this. “I knew who Eito were when I got to see them…” He pauses. “Do you think we’re weakening him?”

“Being as he seems to be latching onto your weaknesses to begin with, yes,” Tegoshi answers, looking sheepish. “That explains a lot, actually.”

Ryo feels his face burn and hopes that Tegoshi won’t elaborate on that theory. “It’s impossible to be human without showing weakness,” he says. “I can’t pretend to be strong all the time to keep him away.”

Tegoshi sighs. “I didn’t want to say this, but there had to be a reason he was created in the first place. Second personalities don’t just randomly appear and try to take over your life without _purpose_.”

There’s an uncomfortable silence, then Yamapi clears his throat. “Whatever it is, Ryo-chan, we will support you.”

“Definitely,” Koyama practically jumps to add.

Shige and Massu agree, and Tegoshi nods as well.

Meanwhile, Ryo is more confused than he was before. “But I don’t have any reason for it,” he says slowly. “Nothing traumatic has happened to me, and I’m not unhappy with either group. I actually felt very well-rounded because I always have something to do.”

“Maybe you’re doing too much?” Yamapi inquires gently, then shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean. It’s not a matter of being overworked, if so then half of the agency would have this problem.” He flashes a grin. “I would probably have three personalities.”

Ryo laughs despite himself. “At least.”

“The difference between you and me, though,” Yamapi goes on, “is that I wear the same face for each job I do. Even when I play a character completely unlike myself, I go right back to me the second the cameras stop rolling.” He pauses. “You are almost a completely different person when you’re with Eito or on a drama set. Takki even mentioned it to me when you filmed together.”

“I don’t mean to be,” Ryo replies remorsefully. “It just happens that way because of the people I’m around. I’m still me, just subdued. I’m one of the youngest members of Eito so I don’t voice my opinion much, and besides I usually agree with whatever they’re doing.” He looks apologetically at Yamapi. “But you guys seem to need me.”

“I’m sure Eito needs you too-” Koyama starts.

“That’s not it,” Ryo interrupts. “I know Eito needs me. I’m one of the lead vocals and we’ve all been friends for a long time. I meant things like my guidance, opinions. My… approval.”

Shige looks guilty, but Massu just smiles at him. “It makes me more confident when Nishikido-kun compliments my dancing, because you’re usually hard to please.”

“Same with my singing,” Yamapi agrees. “Sometimes I think you are a better leader than me.”

“Oh shut up,” Ryo tells him, rolling his eyes. “You’re an _invaluable_ leader. You just go too easy on them sometimes.”

Koyama hides his amusement very badly. “Ryo-chan sounds like he’s talking about his children.”

Ryo has the decency to look embarrassed. “I kind of like that you guys care what I think so much. I like the balance between my respective places in NewS and Eito. I don’t think I would be able to keep doing both if I had to be completely passive _or_ proactive in both of them.”

“Well, something inside you has some kind of complaint,” Tegoshi points out solemnly. “I guess you just don’t know what it is yet.”

“In the meantime,” Koyama declares, clapping his hands happily. “I think we have our theme for your song.”

Ryo sits back and waits, a melody forming in his head as his bandmates write lyric after lyric about sacrifice, influence, and strength.

Even with tears stinging his eyes, right now he feels stronger than ever.

::

Days turn into weeks, autumn turns into winter much faster than Ryo would like, even though the dark, dreary weather seems to mirror his mood. It’s hard to be in high spirits when half of his life is put on hold and the other half isn’t even a memory.

To say that he’s depressed would be an understatement. Even with the small glimpses of the ‘other side’ he’s granted whenever someone in Kanjani8 (usually Hina) gladly yells for Ryo in the face Jibun shows them, it’s not enough. He wants it all, every boring moment, every laugh. He wants Jibun to stay away from NewS, particularly Tegoshi, and give him his – complete – existence back.

All or nothing. The optimism to think that what he’s going through now is better than nothing diminishes with every blackout and every headache that accompanies it. It hurts even more when he’s pulled back by force as opposed to Jibun allowing him to take over again.

Ryo wonders when he lost control of his own mind. This is the true definition of going crazy, being helpless in a battle where the only opponent is himself. As time goes on he becomes less and less opposed to the idea of seeing a psychiatrist and being put on medication, even if it means giving up his career and both of his groups; an official mental disorder will void his contract no matter what.

He snorts at the realization that having it ‘all’ means that he will end up having ‘nothing’.

Tegoshi continues to stay even though it’s obvious he wants to leave, getting fed up with Ryo’s increasing pessimism and low tolerance for being a guinea pig to a psychology student’s continuing last-resort experiments. Ryo has a feeling that a big part of it is keeping him under watch, not because of what Jibun might do, but because of what _Ryo_ might do.

But this isn’t a drama and Ryo’s not a quitter. Even if there’s no possible solution in sight, just ending it like that would be worse than losing. He’s not going anywhere without a fight, and if he’s going down it will be by someone else’s hands, against his will.

It doesn’t help that Tegoshi won’t go near him since the night with Jibun. Ryo’s curious to know how it happened, what had prompted Tegoshi to go all the way after just some casual messing around. He hates himself for not being there for their first time together, even though he had nothing to do with that decision. Maybe if he hadn’t been so upset and hopeless, it wouldn’t have been so easy for Jibun to take over.

He starts to wonder why Jibun doesn’t take advantage of these depressing nights at home, but then he figures that it would actually be doing Ryo a favor. It’s like his punishment to suffer through the discomfort, the neverending time that he would have killed for before but now dreads because all he can do is wait to see what happens next.

“I’m going crazy,” Ryo blurts out, then realizes that he needs to be more specific. “I mean, stir-crazy. I need to get out of this apartment.”

Tegoshi doesn’t look up from his laptop. “I’m not stopping you. Just take someone who knows with you.”

Ryo calls up Uchi and begs him away from his mother for a few hours. Out of everyone, Uchi took the news of Ryo’s situation the _easiest_ , and it’s not until they’re walking down the street together that it occurs to Ryo _why_.

“Do you think this could have happened to you?” he asks seriously, paying no attention to the window displays as they pass by.

“No, I don’t think so,” Uchi answers. He pauses to admire a jacket and makes a grand effort to drag himself away. “I think that having you there with me in both groups would have kept me from losing myself.”

Ryo stops in the middle of the sidewalk. “You think I’ve lost myself?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Uchi counters, facing him with both hands on his hips. “You are one person with NewS and someone else with Eito. Who’s the one you’re _whole_ with?”

Ryo scoffs indignantly. “If you’re going to stand there and say that it’s _your_ fault this happened to me, I’m going to punch you in the nose.”

“Not _me_ ,” Uchi says, chuckling at the threat. “I’m just saying that it probably wouldn’t have happened if you had someone to share the burden with. If anything, I feel even more guilty for-”

“I really will punch you in the nose if you finish that sentence,” Ryo says clearly, and Uchi stops talking. “It’s been four years already, you need to get over it.”

Uchi smiles despite the harsh words. “Thanks, Ryo-chan.”

Ryo grunts and the subject is dropped. He spends the day shopping with Uchi, trying on things at Uchi’s insistence and reluctantly buying them when Uchi flails about how cool he looks. It’s not until he’s on his way home that he recognizes the odd feeling of being passive and wonders why Jibun let him experience it this time.

Maybe there is some truth to Uchi’s words after all, but not just with him. With all of them. Ryo can’t imagine telling any of his Kanjani8 bandmates what to do just as much as he can’t imagine letting the other NewS members have their way all the time; that’s just not his role in either group.

He feels more determined than ever when their outing is over, offering Uchi a bright smile and a big hug. “It’s good to see you.”

A choked sob sounds in his shoulder, and Ryo rolls his eyes at Uchi getting emotional over a regular afternoon at the mall. “Hey, Hiro, it’s not like you’ll never see me again-”

“I’m sorry, Ryo-chan,” Uchi blubbers, pulling back to look at Ryo with big, wet eyes. “I can’t pretend anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” Ryo replies anxiously.

Uchi takes a breath. “This is the third time I’ve seen you this week. It just wasn’t you for the first two.”

Ryo remains still, dumbfounded. “I don’t even remember calling you.”

“You didn’t.” Uchi bites his lip. “He just happened to answer the phone.”

“What did you do with him?” Ryo asks calmly, squashing down his rage. “What did you talk about?”

“The first time I forgot to ask for the phrase.” Uchi hangs his head in his hands. “I was so happy to see you that I guess I wasn’t paying attention to his behavior. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just not _you_.”

“And the second time?” Ryo presses.

Uchi sighs. “I knew it was him but I met him anyway. I thought I could get him to let you out, maybe do some experimenting of my own, but it didn’t work. He got all weird when I started whining about things you would normally yell at me for, just smiling and being sympathetic instead of confronting me. It was so creepy to see your face like that.”

“Apparently you have to tell him directly,” Ryo tells him. “He’s programmed to do what he’s told, so it makes sense that he would have to be instructed to switch.”

“I wonder if you could tell him to go away forever,” Uchi muses out loud. “I guess you’ve already tried that, huh.”

“I actually don’t know,” Ryo replies honestly. “I’m not there when people talk to him.”

Uchi hugs him again, and it’s probably the first time that Ryo’s been on the receiving end of the other’s comforting. “I wish it was me instead.”

“You were the same person in both groups,” Ryo says as the thought occurs to him.

“Back when I was there, so were you,” Uchi points out. “Maybe I would have changed too.”

He sends Ryo home with something to think about, because he’s never really felt that he _changed_ , even after NewS’ hiatus. He supposes at one time he was an easygoing kid who got what he wanted because he was cute, but over the years he’s grown up into the hard-working adult of now. It doesn’t matter which group he’s with because he tries his best for both, easily adapting to the role he’s made for himself in each with no problems – until now.

When he gets home, all he does is ask Tegoshi if he’s tried asking Jibun straight-out to leave.

“Give me some credit, please,” Tegoshi replies tiredly. “That’s the _first_ thing I did.”

As he settles in for yet another night of unnerving cohabitation, Ryo finds himself wishing that Jibun would kick him out of his own head and put him out of his misery for a little while.

::

Yamapi’s lively grin is in complete contrast to Ryo’s frame of mind, even after the latter answers the door and invites him inside.

“I have work for you,” Yamapi announces, lighting up even more at Ryo’s piqued interest before turning to Tegoshi. “Both of you.”

“Oh?” Tegoshi asks distractedly. “What is it?”

“Solo PVs!” Yamapi exclaims. “Management wants something to go with the DVD release, and since we haven’t really done anything all year…” He clears his throat. “Well, it’s something to do, anyway. It will be interesting to see what everyone comes up with on their own.”

Ryo has a feeling that this is supposed to be some kind of lesson, but sometimes Yamapi’s logic is harder to figure out than advanced calculus. “What songs?” he asks.

“Anything you’ve done before,” Yamapi answers, standing tall and proud. “I want to do a sexy dance video to Mola.”

“Is it okay if I do Ai Nante?” Tegoshi asks, looking happier than Ryo has seen him in days. “I already have an idea for the theme.”

“Fine with me,” Yamapi replies. He pulls out his phone and pushes some buttons. “Ryo-chan? Or do you want some time to think about it?”

Ryo doesn’t recognize the rush that he feels right away, then wants to kick himself when it occurs to him that it’s _excitement_. “It would have to be Code, wouldn’t it?”

Yamapi grins and tosses them both business cards. “Here’s the director’s information. The rest is up to you. Do your best!”

Tegoshi and Ryo exchange a look as Yamapi turns to leave. Ryo knows that the other is worrying about leaving Ryo alone with people who don’t know about his condition, because Ryo’s worrying about it too.

“Oh, right,” Yamapi breaks their concentration with a snap, then crosses the room to take Ryo in his arms. It’s sudden but welcoming, a strong embrace from his leader after so long. “You looked like you needed a hug.”

“Thanks,” Ryo mutters, a little too unwilling to let go. “I’ll do my best to make a good video for NewS.”

Yamapi shakes his head. “Do your best to make a good video for _Ryo-chan_.” He offers a wink and lets himself out.

“We have to tell someone on the staff,” Tegoshi says uneasily. “I don’t have a good feeling about this.”

“It’ll be fine,” Ryo tells him, and believes every word of it. “It’s a NewS job, he shouldn’t be interested in that.”

Tegoshi doesn’t look convinced, but for the first time in a long while, Ryo feels optimistic. He’s more interested than anyone to see what happens when he actually has to work alone.

He dreams of flying letters and two identical Ryos, each striving to make themselves be heard in a dark world.

When he shows up to film his video, all he really has to do is strum his guitar and sing his heart out, and everything seems to naturally fall back into place.

::

He’s awake, he knows that he is. He’s pinched himself, read the sign on the wall across the room, and watched the numbers on his alarm clock change at the right speed. He’s tempted to race into the other room, wake up Tegoshi and get the truth, but he can’t move under his own strength.

“I know you’re not real,” he hisses, eyes wide at the sight of his own body hovering over him in bed, pinning him down. “I want you to leave me alone.”

Jibun just grins and Ryo cringes, expecting the worst. Then he feels tingling lips on his and can’t process how this is possibly happening with only one entity between them; it feels like someone else is straddling his waist and rubbing against him, rousing him, kissing him breathless until he can’t hold back anymore.

His arms are freed, but all they do is wrap around his own neck, pulling Jibun closer and feeling the sculpted back muscles under his touch. He arches as Jibun takes him in hand, strokes them together with baby oil until Ryo lets out an uncontrollable whine, then lifts up to position himself right above Ryo’s rigid erection.

Ryo wants to protest, can’t imagine fucking himself like this, but then he _is_ and it seems to ride the line between delusion and reality. He feels it inside him too, opening him up at the same pace Jibun is bouncing up and down on him. It’s like an intense masturbatory fantasy and it has him throwing his head back, crying out into the night at the relief he’s feeling as his body prepares for the inevitable conclusion.

More and more of something that Ryo can only describe as _sense_ fills him as Jibun leans down and covers him from head to toe, finally melting together with Ryo’s own body when Ryo hits himself in the right spot and sends his orgasm spilling over his fingers onto his stomach.

Now all he can hear is the pounding of his heart, the wheezing of his breaths as he struggles to calm down both his body _and_ his mind. He’s more aware than before, almost like his head is too heavy as he feels what is undoubtedly his two personalities combining back into one.

“Welcome home,” Ryo says out loud, grinning easily as he finally relaxes.

In the back of his mind, he can swear he hears “I’m home.”

> ~bonus~

“It’s been a _week_ ,” Ryo whines. “Can’t I be officially cured now?”

Tegoshi playfully pushes him away as he types something on his laptop. “We can’t be too careful, Ryo-chan. He can come back at any time.”

“If that happens, I’ll just jerk off again,” Ryo replies with a shrug. “Seems like a win/win situation to me.”

Tegoshi laughs, wholeheartedly with all of his body, and Ryo feels even better knowing that Tegoshi’s happiness has returned as well. “I still don’t believe that he just disappeared after that.”

“I’m telling you, I _felt_ it,” Ryo insists. “We fused back together, so technically he’s still here. We’re just the same person now, like before.”

Tegoshi looks like he wants to believe him, but his expression is sad. “So now if I confess to you, you’ll hear it properly?”

Ryo’s smile falls as he sees the truth shining in Tegoshi’s eyes. “Yes, I will.”

He expects Tegoshi to say it, his heart beating in anticipation, but Tegoshi just laughs again and offers a smug smile. “It’s not as exciting the second time around.”

Ryo narrows his eyes, gently pushing Tegoshi’s laptop to the next cushion as he leans in towards him. “Then I’ll do it first.”

He’s never been good at speaking the words, but he hopes that Tegoshi can feel his heart in his kiss, the words he can’t say along with his contradictions.

All of him.


End file.
